Stupid Golf Problems: How do you handle the bragging cheater?

We all have that one golf buddy. You know the one. They’re hopelessly addicted to the game just like you, despite the fact that they are breathtakingly bad at it. So bad that you forgive all the foot wedges and scooped-up five-footers and just-put-me-down-for-six-when-I-really-made-a-10s. Who cares? Your buddy is harmless. They're not breaking 100 any time soon (they don’t even keep a handicap). They're just there for the vibes, the drinks and comedic relief.

Meanwhile, you are plugging along. Playing by the rules. Grinding out your 82s and 84s as you remain a high single-digit handicap. You also like vibes and drinks, but you care quite deeply about your score, a perfectly normal trait for an avid golfer.

Then, one day, one fateful day, something shocking happens. A one-in-a-million occurrence. Your buddy… *gulp* … beats you. They put together the round of their life. They have their Matt Flynn game. Every 20-footer drops, they make a few up-and-downs from Narnia and they even toss in a natural birdie. Somehow this all adds up to an 92 against your ghastly 93. They got you on your worst day, but they still got you. And now they are about to let EVERYONE in your orbit know about it. They’re going to tell your mother and your father, as well as the second-grade teacher you both shared in elementary school. Your “good” friend is putting out an APB to let all the townspeople know you’ve committed the heinous crime of caring about golf and losing to someone who couldn't give less of a s–t about it but enjoys whacking it around every now and then. That person beat you, straight up.

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The problem? Your buddy remained as loose as ever with the rules the entire day, something they’ve become accustomed to in your years of playing together. That brings us to this week’s very stupid and very specific golf problem, posed by reader Paul Gross, a meteorologist from Detroit. Paul writes:

“When I play, I play by the rules…I deduct a stroke when I hit a ball OB [out of bounds], mark my ball on the green, etc. The reason I do this is because, should I ever have that special, once-in-a-lifetime round, I can always say it was legit. What do I say (or, say nothing) when my playing partner ignores all the rules of golf, and takes multiple mulligans, improves his lie, doesn’t deduct strokes for penalties, etc., and then says he beat me by four strokes?”

It is a fascinating question, Paul. And, as specific as it sounds, avid golfers who care about what they shoot have all experienced this at some point. I call this friend the “bragging cheater,” someone you’ve allowed to run wild for years because you've never imagined a scenario in which they'd actually beat you. But, much like a Vegas casino, golf has a way of rewarding these folks at their lowest to keep them coming back for more. And one day this person is going to hit the jackpot and let everyone know about it.

When that day comes, do you check them on it? Do you remind them of the propped-up lie in the rough on No. 3? The shady drop after an OB ball on No. 7? The mulligan they took off 10 tee because their hands were greasy from the Miss Vickie’s Sea Salt and Vinegar chips? That their “89” was more like a “96” if we keeping it a buck. Yes, I shot 91 and played awful, but no, sir, you did not “beat” me.

Or, do you “let them have it” ?

The best way I can answer this is to explain my own lived experience, a memory that triggered inside of me when Paul posed this question in my email inbox. Many years ago, on a family trip to Ireland, my brother clipped me on the final round of our trip. My game was in oblivion at this point, but there was still no way this slappy could ever actually beat me straight up. Well, he got me by two strokes on that day that will live in infamy, an 89 to my 91. It remains one of the rounds of his life.

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Now, from what I recall he was pretty dialed in the entire day, but there was some serious shenanigans on the 11th hole, where he could not find a tee shot in some dense woods and somehow decided he’d be dropping about 150 yards out in the right edge of the fairway. Naturally, he proceeded to hit one of the best 9 irons of his life to about 15 feet, then he made the putt for a “5.” Had I made him follow the rules, or even a modified version of them to keep play moving, I would have had him drop on line with where the ball went into the trees, which would have left him with only the option to punch out back into the fairway. He gets easily frustrated and me making him drop somewhere he didn't want to would have almost certainly irked him. So who knows what he makes instead of a bogey 5. Probably a 7 and possibly an 8, which changes things dramatically. Maybe he mentally folds from there and shoots his usual 102. Who’s to say. None of that happened, though, and his miracle bogey kept his positive momentum rolling all the way to the clubhouse.

There, the Guinness begain to flow, which is when we eventually ran into a problem. By later that evening, my brother had informed all of Ireland of his victory. Our relatives, the bartenders and even the strangers we threw darts with were pointing and laughing in my face over this embarrassing L. After about the seventh instance of my brother flapping his jaw I had to say something about the two-stroke swing/drop on 11, at which point I was declared a “sore loser” by everyone circled around me. Imagine that. Being called a sore loser because you lost to the bragging cheater and decided to call him on it. We live in a sick, twisted world.

Therein lies the conundrum here. Call out the bragging cheater and you are the POS (remind you of anything?). Let it go and sit back and watch as this person tells everyone they beat you in a game they don’t care about, the same game you attach all of your self-worth to. It's the real-life version of the Confused Mr. Krabs meme.

In this case, there are only two options – 1. Remind this person on the very first tee every time you play with them, “Listen, you can do whatever you want. Cheat your little heart out. But if you somehow ‘beat me,’ just keep it to yourself” like a self-absorbed/mentally unstable a-hole, or 2. Just simply let them have it.

I think all these years after the Ireland debacle, I’ve begun to lean heavily with Option No. 2. By letting them have it, you get to play the "bigger person" card AND sleep soundly at night knowing you played by the rules. They have to look themselves in the mirror every day. And don't worry, order will soon be restored when you beat the bragging cheater by 20 the next time you play. And you are well within your right to remind them it was more like a 30-stroke beatdown because of all the rules they broke.

Do you have a "stupid" golf problem? A question you're too ashamed to ask your close friends? A conundrum that needs to be talked out in a public forum? We're here to help. If you have etiquette-related inquiries or just want to know how to handle some of the unique on- or off-course situations we all find ourselves in, please let us know. You can email me (chris.powers@wbd.com) or send me a DM on Twitter/X (@Cpowers14) or on Instagram (@cpthreeve).